A Billion -- Not REALLY a joke!

A BILLION     This is too true to be funny.   The next time you hear a politician use the word 'billion' in a casual manner, think about whether you want the 'politicians' spending YOUR tax money.   A billion is a difficult number to comprehend, But one advertising agency did a good job of putting that figure into some perspective in one of its releases.   A.. A billion seconds ago it was 1959.   B.. A billion minutes ago Jesus was alive.   C.. A billion hours ago our ancestors were living in the Stone Age.   D.. A billion days ago no-one walked on the earth on two feet.   E.. A billion dollars ago was only 8 hours and 20 minutes, at the rate our government is spending it.   While this thought is still fresh in our brain... let's take a look at New Orleans ... It's amazing what you can learn with some simple division.   Louisiana Senator, Mary Landrieu (D) was asking Congress for 250 BILLION DOLLARS To rebuild New Orleans .   Interesting number... What does it mean?   A.. Well .. If you are one of the 484,674 residents of New Orleans   (every man, woman and child) You each get $516,528   B.. Or... If you have one of the 188,251 homes in New Orleans , your home gets $1,329,787.   C.. Or... If you are a family of four... Your family gets $2,066,012.   Washington, D.C.   HELLO! Are all your calculators broken??   Building Permit Tax CDL License Tax Cigarette Tax Corporate Income Tax Dog License Tax Federal Income Tax (Fed) Federal Unemployment Tax (FUTA) Fishing License Tax Food License Tax Fuel Permit Tax Gasoline Tax Hunting License Tax Inheritance Tax Inventory Tax IRS Interest Charges (tax on top of tax) IRS Penalties (tax on top of tax) Liquor Tax Luxury Tax Marriage License Tax Medicare Tax Property Tax Real Estate Tax Service charge Taxes Social Security Tax Road Usage Tax (Truckers) Sales Taxes Recreational Vehicle Tax School Tax  State Income Tax  State Unemployment Tax (SUTA) Telephone Federal Excise Tax Telephone Federal Universal Service Fee Tax Telephone Federal, State and Local Surcharge Tax Telephone Minimum Usage Surcharge Tax Telephone Recurring and Non-recurring Charges Tax  Telephone State and Local Tax Telephone Usage Charge Tax Utility Tax Vehicle License Registration Tax Vehicle Sales Tax Watercraft Registration Tax Well Permit Tax Workers Compensation Tax (And to think, we left British Rule to avoid so many taxes)   STILL THINK THIS IS FUNNY?   Not one of these taxes existed 100 years ago... And our nation was the most prosperous in the world. We had absolutely no national debt... We had the largest middle class in the world... And Mom stayed home to raise the kids.   What happened? Can you spell 'politicians'!   And I still have to Press '1'  for English.   I hope this goes around   the U S A At least 100 times

Just Common Sense

 

Fwd: Fw: The haircut...

THE HAIRCUT

 

Blessed are those that can give without remembering, and take without
forgetting.

 

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked
about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you,
I'm
doing community service this week.' The florist was pleased and left the
shop.

 

When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank
you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

 

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill,
the
barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community
service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop.

 

The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you '
card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

 

Then a Congressman came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his
bill,
the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing
community service this week.' The Congressman was very happy and left the
shop.

 

The next morning when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen
Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.

 

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the
citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.

 

BOTH POLITICIANS AND DIAPERS NEED TO BE CHANGED OFTEN AND FOR THE SAME
REASON!

 

If you don't forward this you have no sense of humor. Nothing bad will
happen, however, you must live with yourself knowing that laughter is not
in
your future.

 

Now send it to everyone you know!

 

 

 

 

Buying Golf Balls

(Receptionist) Hello, Welcome to ObamaGolf . My name is Trina. How can I help you?
(Customer) Hello, I received an email from Golfsmith stating that my Pro V1 order has been canceled and I should go to your exchange to reorder it.  I tried your web site, but it seems like it is not working. So I am calling the 800 number.
(Receptionist) Yes, I am sorry about the web site. It should be fixed by the end of 2014. But I can help you.
(Customer) Thanks, I ordered some Pro V1 balls.
(Receptionist) Sir, Pro V1's do not meet our minimum standards, I will be happy to provide you with a choice of Pinnacle, TopFlite , or Callaway Blue.
(Customer) But I have played Pro V1 for years.
(Receptionist) The government has determined that Pro V1s are no longer acceptable, so we have instructed Titleist to stop making them.  TopFlites are better, sir, I am sure you will love them.
(Customer) But I like the Pro V1.  Why are TopFlites better?
(Receptionist) That is all spelled out in the 2700 page "Affordable Golf Ball Act" passed by Congress.
(Customer) Well, how much are these TopFlites ?
(Receptionist) It depends sir, do you want our Bronze, Silver, Gold or Platinum package?
(Customer) What's the difference?
(Receptionist) 12, 24, 36 or 48 balls.
(Customer) The Silver package may be okay; how much is it?
(Receptionist) It depends, sir; what is your monthly income?
(Customer) What does that have to do with anything?
(Receptionist) I need that to determine your government Golf Ball subsidy; then I can determine how much your out-of-pocket cost will be.  But if your income is below the poverty level, you might qualify for a subsidy.  In that case, I can refer you to our BallAid department.

(Customer) BallAid ?

(Receptionist) Yes, golf balls are a right, everyone has a right to golf balls.  So, if you can't afford them, then the government will supply them free of charge.

(Customer) Who said they were a right?

(Receptionist) Congress passed it, the President signed it and the Supreme Court found it Constitutional.

(Customer) Whoa.....I don't remember seeing anything in the Constitution regarding golf balls as a right.

(Receptionist) There's no explicit mention of golf balls in the Constitution, but President Obama is a former constitutional scholar and he believes it would have been included if the Constitutional had not been drafted by a bunch of slave-owning white men.  The Democrats in the Congress and the Supreme Court agree with the President that golf balls are now a right guaranteed by the Constitution.

(Customer) I don't believe this...

(Receptionist) It's the law of the land sir. Now, we anticipated most people would go for the Silver Package, so what is your monthly income sir?

(Customer) Forget it, I think I will forgo the balls this year.

(Receptionist) In that case, sir, I will still need your monthly income.

(Customer) Why?

(Receptionist) To determine what your 'non-participation' cost would be.

(Customer) WHAT? You can't charge me for NOT buying golf balls.

(Receptionist) It's the law of the land, sir, approved by the Supreme Court. It's $49.50 or 1% of your monthly income.....

(Customer)(interrupting) This is ridiculous, I'll pay the $49.50.

(Receptionist) Sir, it is the $49.50 or 1% of your monthly income, whichever is greater.

(Customer) ARE YOU KIDDING ME? What a ripoff!!

(Receptionist) Actually sir, it is a good deal. Next year it will be 2%.

(Customer) Look, I'm going to call my Congressman to find out what's going on here. This is ridiculous. I'm not going to pay it.

(Receptionist) Sorry to hear that sir, that's why I had the NSA track this call and obtain the make and model of the cell phone you are using.

(Customer) Why does the NSA need to know what kind of CELL PHONE I AM USING?

(Receptionist) So they get your GPS coordinates, sir

(Door Bell rings followed immediately by a loud knock on the door)

(Receptionist) That would be the IRS, sir. Thanks for calling ObamaGolf , have a nice day...and God Bless the Land of the Free and the Home of the Brave.

Goldstein at the Vatican

Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome, Italy.  One has a Cross in front of him; the other one is holding the Star of David.  Many people go by, look at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the Cross.

 

The Pope comes by.  He stops to watch the throngs of people giving money to the beggar who holds the Cross while none give to the beggar holding the Star of David.  Finally, the Pope approaches the beggar with the Star of David and says, "My poor fellow, don't you understand?  This is a Catholic country; this city is the Seat of Catholicism.  People aren't going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you're sitting beside a beggar who is holding a Cross.  In fact, they would probably give more money to him just out of spite."

 

The beggar with the Star of David listened to the Pope, smiled, and turned to the beggar with the Cross and said, "Moishe, look who's trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing!"

dude

 

 

 

The Eagle Is Gone!

In matters of style, swim with the current; in matters of principle, stand like a rock.  Thomas Jefferson

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Eagle Is Gone!

The skunk has replaced the Eagle as the new symbol of the American Presidency.
It is half black, half white, and everything it does stinks.

 
 
 
 
 
 

 
 

 

------ End of Forwarded Message

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hard to believe Texas did this

  It's hard to believe, but Texas has followed that idiot newspaper up in New York, and released a map of the location of all gun owners.

 

 

 

Their locations are marked by red dots.

 

 

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