Fwd: 9 Points to ponder

9 POINTS TO PONDER! Number 9 Life is sexually transmitted. Number 8 Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die. Number 7 Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to surf the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years. Number 6 Health nuts are going to feel silly someday, lying in the hospitals, dying of nothing.   Number 5 All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism. Number 4 Why does a slight tax increase cost you $800.00, and a substantial tax cut saves you $30.00? Number 3 In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal. Number 2 Life is like a jar of Jalapeno peppers--what you do today, might burn your ___ tomorrow.  And The Number 1 Thought - - - as someone recently said to me: "Don't worry about old age - it doesn't last that long."

 

The Federal Government is SUEING Arizona...does it make sense?

Arizona Governor Jan Brewer   Robert Sarver, the owner of the Phoenix Suns basketball team, came out strongly opposing AZ's new immigration laws. Arizona 's Governor, Jan Brewer, released the following statement in response to Sarver's criticism of the new law: "What if the owners of the Suns discovered that hordes of people were sneaking into games without paying? What if they had a good idea who the gate-crashers are but the ushers and security personnel were not allowed to ask these folks to produce their ticket stubs, thus non-paying attendees couldn't be ejected.       Furthermore, what if Suns' ownership was expected to provide those who sneaked in with complimentary eats and drink? And what if, on those days when a gate-crasher became ill or injured, the Suns had to provide free medical care and shelter?" Arizona Gov. Jan Brewer

Catching Pigs

Not a joke, just thought provoking. CATCHING PIGS   THIS IS THOUGHT PROVOKING. There was a chemistry professor in a large college that had some exchange students in the class. One day while the class was in the lab, the professor noticed one young man, an exchange student, who kept rubbing his back and stretching as if his back hurt. The professor asked the young man what was the matter. The student told him he had a bullet lodged in his back. He had been shot while fighting communists in his native country who were trying to overthrow his country's government and install a new communist regime. In the midst of his story, he looked at the professor and asked a strange question. He asked: "Do you know how to catch wild pigs?" The professor thought it was a joke and asked for the punch line. The young man said that it was no joke. "You catch wild pigs by finding a suitable place in the woods and putting corn on the ground. The pigs find it and begin to come every day to eat the free corn. "When they are used to coming every day, you put a fence down one side of the place where they are used to coming. When they get used to the fence, they begin to eat the corn again and you put up another side of the fence. "They get used to that and start to eat again. You continue until you have all four sides of the fence up with a gate in the last side. "The pigs, which are used to the free corn, start to come through the gate to eat that free corn again. You then slam the gate on them and catch the whole herd. Suddenly the wild pigs have lost their freedom. They run around and around inside the fence, but they are caught. Soon they go back to eating the free corn. They are so used to it that they have forgotten how to forage in the woods for themselves, so they accept their captivity." The young man then told the professor that is exactly what he sees happening in America . The government keeps pushing us toward Communism/Socialism and keeps spreading the free corn out in the form of programs such as supplemental income, tax credit for unearned income, tax exemptions, tobacco subsidies, dairy subsidies, payments not to plant crops (CRP), welfare, medicine, drugs, etc. while we continually lose our freedoms, just a little at a time. One should always remember two truths: There is no such thing as a free lunch, and you can never hire someone to provide a service for you cheaper than you can do it yourself. If you see that all of this wonderful government "help" is a problem confronting the future of democracy in America , you might want to send this on to your friends. If you think the free ride is essential to your way of life, then you will probably delete this email. But, God help us all when the gate slams shut! Quote for today: "The problems we face today are there because the people who work for a living are now outnumbered by those who vote for a living." -- Anonymous

Some definitions you may not have thought about...

                       ADULT:
 A person who has stopped growing at both ends
 and is now growing in the middle.

BEAUTY PARLOR:
 A place where women curl up and dye.

CHICKENS:
 The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

COMMITTEE:
 A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

DUST:
 Mud with the juice squeezed out.

EGOTIST:
 Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

HANDKERCHIEF:
 Cold Storage.

INFLATION:
 Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
 
MOSQUITO:
 An insect that makes you like flies better.

RAISIN:
 A grape with a sunburn.

SECRET:
 Something you tell to one person at a time.

SKELETON:
 A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.

TOOTHACHE:
The pain that drives you to extraction.

TOMORROW:
 One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.

YAWN:
 An honest opinion openly expressed.

 
 And MY Personal Favourite!
WRINKLES:
 Something other people have,

Similar to my character lines.
 
 
 
 
 

HEAVEN AND HELL

 

While walking down the street one day a Corrupt Senator (that may be redundant) was tragically hit by a car and died.   His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance. "Welcome  to heaven," says St.. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you." "No problem, just let me in," says the Senator.   "Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from the higher ups. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity." "Really?, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the Senator. "I'm sorry, but we have our rules." And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In  the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him. Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They played a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and the finest champagne. Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who is having a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are all having such a good time that before the Senator realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises. The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens in heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him, "Now it's time to visit   heaven..." So, 24 hours passed with the Senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing.  They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours                have gone by and St. Peter returns. "Well then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity." The Senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful   but I think I would be better off in hell." So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell... Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.   He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls to the ground. The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulders.   "I don't understand," stammers the Senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster    and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time.  Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?" The devil smiles at him and says, "Yesterday  we were campaigning, Today, you voted.." Vote wisely on November 2, 2012

 

Political Jokes & Quotes

 

The problem with political jokes is they get elected.  ~Henry Cate, VII

 

 

We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office.  ~Aesop

 

 

If we got one-tenth of what was promised to us in these acceptance speeches there wouldn't be any inducement to go to heaven.  ~Will Rogers

 

 

Those who are too smart to engage in politics are punished by being governed by those who are dumber.  ~Plato

 

 

Politicians are the same all over.  They promise to build a bridge even where there is no river.  ~Nikita Khrushchev

 

 

When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President; I'm beginning to believe it. ~Clarence Darrow

 

 

Why pay money to have your family tree traced; go into politics and your opponents will do it for you.  ~Author Unknown

 

 

If God wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates.  ~Jay Leno

 

 

Politicians are people who, when they see light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy some more tunnel.  ~John Quinton

 

 

Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign funds from the rich, by promising to protect each from the other.  ~Oscar Ameringer

 

 

I offer my opponents a bargain:  if they will stop telling lies about us, I will stop telling the truth about them.  ~Adlai Stevenson, campaign speech, 1952

 

 

A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his country.  ~ Texas Guinan

 

 

Any American who is prepared to run for president should automatically, by definition, be disqualified from ever doing so.  ~Gore Vidal

 

 

I have come to the conclusion that politics is too serious a matter to be left to the politicians.  ~Charles de Gaulle

 

 

Politics is supposed to be the second-oldest profession.  I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.  ~Ronald Reagan

 

 

Politics:  [Poly "many" + tics "blood-sucking parasites"]  ~Larry Hardiman

 

 

Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks.  ~Doug Larson

 

 

Don't vote, it only encourages them.  ~Author Unknown

 

 

There ought to be one day -- just one -- when there is open season on senators.  ~Will Rogers

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

ALMOST TOO TRUE TO BE FUNNY !!!!!

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ALMOST TOO TRUE TO BE FUNNY !!!!!

A good laugh for people in the over 45 group !!!  When I bought my Blackberry, I thought about the 30-year business I ran with 1800 employees, all without a cell phone that plays music, takes videos, pictures and communicates with Facebook and Twitter. I signed up under duress for Twitter and Face book, so my seven kids, their spouses, 13 grand kids and 2 great grand kids could communicate with me in the modern way. I figured I could handle something as simple as Twitter with only 140 characters of space. That was before one of my grand kids hooked me up for Tweeter, Tweetree, Twhirl, Twitterfon, Tweetie and Twittererific Tweetdeck, Twitpix and something that sends every message to my cell phone and every other program within the texting world. My phone was beeping every three minutes with the details of everything except the bowel movements of the entire next generation. I am not ready to live like this. I keep my cell phone in the garage in my golf bag. The kids bought me a GPS for my last birthday because they say I get lost every now and then going over to the grocery store or library. I keep that in a box under my tool bench with the Blue tooth [it's red] phone I am supposed to use when I drive. I wore it once and was standing in line at Barnes and Noble talking to my wife and everyone in the nearest 50 yards was glaring at me. I had to take my hearing aid out to use it, and I got a little loud. I mean the GPS looked pretty smart on my dash board, but the lady inside that gadget was the most annoying, rudest person I had run into in a long time. Every 10 minutes, she would sarcastically say, "Re-calc-u-lating."  You would think that she could be nicer. It was like she could barely tolerate me. She would let go with a deep sigh and then tell me to make a U-turn at the next light. Then if I made a right turn instead. Well, it was not a good relationship. When I get really lost now, I call my wife and tell her the name of the cross streets and while she is starting to develop the same tone as Gypsy, the GPS lady, at least she loves me. To be perfectly frank, I am still trying to learn how to use the cordless phones in our house. We have had them for 4 years, but I still haven't figured out how I can lose three phones all at once and have run around digging under chair cushions and checking bathrooms and the dirty laundry baskets when the phone rings. The world is just getting too complex for me. They even mess me up every time I go to the grocery store. You would think they could settle on something themselves but this sudden "Paper or Plastic?" every time I check out just knocks me for a loop. I bought some of those cloth reusable bags to avoid looking confused, but I never remember to take them in with me. Now I toss it back to them. When they ask me, "Paper or Plastic?" I just say, "Doesn't matter to me. I am bi-sacksual."  Then it's their turn to stare at me with a blank look. I was recently asked if I tweet. I answered, "No, but I do toot a lot." P.S. I know some of you are not over 50.  I sent it to you to allow you to forward it to those who are.   Us senior citizens don't need anymore gadgets.  The tv remote and the garage door remote are about all we can handle.

"The best thing that parents can spend on their children is time--not money."