Why we're in Trouble! Although it's funny, it's really no joke.

 A DC  'airport ticket agent'  offers some examples of  'WHY'  our country is in trouble!

 1. I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman (Carol Shea-Porter) ask for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window.  (On an airplane!)

 2. I got a call from a Kansas Congressman's (Moore) staffer (Howard Bauleke),  who wanted to go to Cape Town.  I started to explain the length  of the flight and the passport information,  and then he interrupted me with,  ''I'm not trying to make you look stupid,  but Cape Town is in  Massachusetts ...''

 Without trying to make him look stupid,  I calmly explained,  ''Cape Cod is in Massachusetts ,  Cape Town is in South Africa ''
 His response -- click..

 3. A senior Vermont Congressman (Bernie Sanders) called,  furious about a Florida package we did.  I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando .  He said he was expecting an ocean-view room.  I tried to explain that's not possible,  since Orlando is in the middle of the state.

 He replied, 'Don't lie to me!,  I looked on the map,  and Florida is a very THIN state!!''  (OMG)

 4. I got a call from a lawmaker's wife (Landra Reid) who asked,  ''Is it possible to see England from Canada ?''

 I said,  ''No.''

 She said,  ''But they look so close on the map''  (OMG, again!)

 5. An aide for a cabinet member (Janet Napolitano) once called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas .  I pulled up the reservation and noticed he had only a 1-hour layover in Dallas ..  When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said,  ''I heard Dallas was a big airport,  and we will need a car to drive between gates to save time.''  (Aghhhh)

 6. An Illinois Congresswoman  (Jan Schakowsky)  called last week.  She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:30 a.m.,  and got to Chicago at 8:33 a.m.

 I explained that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois ,  but she
 couldn't understand the concept of time zones.  Finally,  I told her the plane went fast,  and she bought that.

 7. A New York lawmaker,  (Jerrold Nadler) called and asked,  ''Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?''  I said,  'No, why do you ask?'

 He replied,  ''Well, when I checked in with the airline,  they put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT),  and I'm overweight I think that's very rude!''

 After putting him on hold for a minute,  while I looked into it. (I was dying laughing).  I came back and explained the city code for Fresno , Ca. is (FAT - Fresno Air Terminal),  and the airline was just putting a destination tag on his luggage..

 8. A Senator John Kerry aide (Lindsay Ross) called to inquire about a trip package to Hawaii .  After going over all the cost info, she asked,  ''Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii ?''

 9. I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman,  Bobby Bright from Alabama who asked,  ''How do I know which plane to get on?''

 I asked him what exactly he meant,  to which he replied,  ''I was told my flight number is 823,  but none of these planes have numbers on them.''

 10. Senator Dianne Feinstein called and said,  ''I need to fly to
 Pepsi-Cola ,  Florida . Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?''

 I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola , FL on a commuter plane.

 She said,  ''Yeah, whatever, smarty!''

 11. Mary Landrieu ,   La. Senator,  called and had a question about the documents she needed in order to fly to China .   After a lengthy discussion about passports,  I reminded her that she needed a visa.  'Oh, no I don't.   I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those.''

 I double checked and sure enough,  her stay required a visa.  When I told her this she said,  ''Look,  I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express!''

 12. A New Jersey Congressman (John Adler) called to make reservations, ''I want to go from Chicago to Rhino,  New York .''
I was at a loss for words.  Finally,  I said,  ''Are you sure that's the
name of the town?''

'Yes,  what flights do you have?''  replied the man.

 After some searching,  I came back with,  ''I'm sorry,  sir,  I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a rhino anywhere."

 ''The man retorted,  ''Oh, don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!''

 So I scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered,  ''You don't mean Buffalo , do you?''

 The reply?  ''Whatever!  I knew it was a big animal.''

 Now you know why the Government is in the shape that it's in!

 Could ANYONE be this DUMB?

 YES, THEY WALK AMONG US,  ARE IN POLITICS,  AND THEY CONTINUE TO BREED.

 I don't write it, I just offer it for your consideration.   Like manure,
 you just gotta spread it around.

COMPANY MEMO - Merry Christmas to all. Remember the reason. & Have a good laugh

Funny and Sad all at the same time.

  

Company Memo 

FROM:  Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director 
TO:       All Employees 
DATE:   November 8, 2010 
RE:       Gala Christmas Party 

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House.  There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks!  We'll have a small band playing traditional carols... feel free to sing along.  And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus!  A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 PM.  Exchanges of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets.  This gathering is only for employees!  Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time! 

Merry Christmas to you and your family, 
Patty 

 

 

 

Company Memo   

FROM:  Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director 
TO:       All Employees 
DATE:   November 9, 2010 
RE:       Gala Holiday Party   

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees.  We recognize that  Hanukkah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year.  However, from now on,  we're calling it our "Holiday Party."  The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians and to those still celebrating Reconciliation Day.  There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols will be sung.  We will have other types of music for your enjoyment. 
Happy now? 
Happy Holidays to you and your family, 
Patty 

 

 

 

Company Memo   

FROM:  Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director 
TO:       All Employees 
DATE:   November 10, 2010 
RE:       Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, you didn't sign your name.  I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that  reads, "AA Only", you wouldn't be anonymous anymore.  How am I supposed to handle this?  Somebody? 
And sorry, but forget about the gift exchange, no gifts are allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and the executives believe $10.00 is a little chintzy. 
REMEMBER: NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED 

 

 

 

 

Company Memo  

FROM:  Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director 
To:        All Employees 
DATE:   November 11, 2010 
RE:       Generic Holiday Party

What a diverse group we are!  I had no idea that December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours.  There goes the party!  Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs..  Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party or else package everything for you to take it home in little foil doggy baggy.  Will that work? 
Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet, and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms. 
Gays are allowed to sit with each other.  Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men, each group will have their own table. 
Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's table. 
To the person asking permission to cross dress, the Grill House asks that no cross-dressing be allowed, apparently because of concerns about confusion in the restrooms.  Sorry. 
We will have booster seats for short people. 
Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet. 
I am sorry to report that we cannot control the amount of salt used in the food .  The Grill House suggests that people with high blood pressure taste a bite first. 
There will be fresh "low sugar" fruits as dessert for diabetics, but the restaurant cannot supply "no sugar" desserts. Sorry! 

Did I miss anything?!?!? 
Patty 

 

 

 

Company Memo   

FROM:   Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director 
TO:         All F*%^ing Employees  
DATE:    November 12, 2010 
RE:         The F*%^ing Holiday Party   

I've had it with you vegetarian pricks!!!  We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your f*%^ing salad bar, including organic tomatoes.  But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too.  They scream when you slice them.  I've heard them scream.  I'm hearing them scream right NOW! 
The rest of you f*%^ing wierdos can kiss my  *ss.  I hope you all have a rotten holiday! 
 
The B*tch from H*ll!!! 

 

 

 

Company Memo   

FROM:  Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director 
DATE:   November 15, 2010 
RE:        Patty Lewis and Holiday Party 

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery and I'll continue to forward your cards to her. 
In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay. 
Happy Holidays! 
Joan  

 

 

 

____________________________________________________________

Why, indeed

A young Arab asks his father: - What is this weird hat that we are wearing? -  It's a "chechia" because in the desert it protects our heads from the sun! -  And what is this type of clothing that we are wearing? -  It's a "djbellah" because in the desert it is very hot and it protects your body! -  And what are these ugly shoes that we have on our feet? -  These are "babouches", which keep us from burning our feet when in the desert!   -  Tell me, papa... -  Yes, my son? -  ... Why are we living in Detroit and still wearing all this shit?

It's that time of year again- CHRISTMAS LAUGHS

---

 

CHRISTMAS LAUGHS   __._,_.___

 

---

Tools Explained...

Tools Explained     DRILL PRESS:    A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.    WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light . Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh sh--!'   SKIL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short. PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters. BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs. HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes. VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand. OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race. TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity. HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes , trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper. BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge. TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect. PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads. STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms. PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part. HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short. HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit. UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use. SON-OF-A-BITCH TOOL: (A personal favorite!) Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'Son of a BITCH!' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need. Hope you found this informative.   It's coupled with a community service project I am working on.    There is no need to send me a thank you note.         ______________________________

gun control

 

 I felt a real need to forward this to you and ask you to do the same....
Please don't mis-read our intentions..I am  in NO way in agreement with any type of gun control, but after seeing this..I, unfortunately, agree that something needs to change...   
    
If you agree with this please send to the powers that be.   Hope we can stop it.  
 
While we always agree that hunting is an ethical God given right, I think that we would have to agree with the author on this one. Fox hunting in Colorado should be banned!

 Please help ban fox hunting in Colorado ~ 
 
THIS MADNESS MUST STOP!!     
 
 


 
Signed,

Peter Cottontail 
Bugs Bunny
The Easter Bunny
Thumper     

 

 

 

This is a CHRISTMAS Tree!

This is not a joke, but I wanted to share it! When I am in a store and someone says Happy Holidays, I reply "Merry Christmas to you". When I put money in the salvation pots I always say, Merry Christmas. I have never said I am going to put up the Holiday tree and I never will. It is "Christmas"  Dec. 25th and not "Holiday" on that date.   Do we have to conform because a few stupid people say this is the correct thing to do? No, not if we care and I do care.  So to all my family and friends, I wish you a very Merry Christmas, decorate your Christmas trees and your home and don't be afraid to  do what is the right thing and not a political thing.  I love you all and I love Christmas for all the right reasons.           This is a Christmas Tree This is a Christmas Tree This is a Christmas Tree This is a Christmas Tree This is a Christmas Tree This is a Christmas Tree This is a Christmas Tree And these are Christmas Trees also These are NOT  Holiday Trees They are NOT Winter Festival trees They are NOT Hanukkah bushes They are NOT Allah plants They are Christmas trees. Say it... Christmas , Christmas , CHRISTmas Yes CHRISTmas -not Holiday We are not celebrating the birth of a Holiday !!! We are Celebrating the Birth of Jesus Christ!!! So I would like to say to each and everyone of you Have a Very Merry CHRISTMAS and may GOD BLESS each and every one of you!!!

UK Churches have always had a way with words...

              

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The New American Dream!

If this doesn't cheer you up,  nothing will... 

 

 You know the honeymoon is  over when the comedians start.
  The liberals are asking us to  give Obama time. We agree . . . and think 25 to life would be  appropriate. --Jay Leno
America needs  Obama-care like Nancy Pelosi needs a Halloween mask.
--Jay Leno
Q: Have you heard  about McDonald's' new Obama Value Meal?A: Order  anything you like and the guy behind you has to pay for  it.
--Conan  O'Brien
Q: What does Barack  Obama call lunch with a convicted felon?A: A fund  raiser.
--Jay Leno
Q: What's the  difference between Obama's cabinet and a penitentiary?A: One is  filled with tax evaders, blackmailers, and threats to society. The  other is for housing prisoners.
--David  Letterman
Q: If Nancy Pelosi and  Obama were on a boat in the middle of the ocean and it started to  sink, who would be saved?A: America  !
--Jimmy  Fallon
Q: What's the  difference between Obama and his dog, Bo?
A: Bo has  papers.
--Jimmy  Kimmel
Q: What was the most  positive result of the "Cash for Clunkers" program?A: It took 95%  of the Obama bumper stickers off the road.
--David  Letterman

This isn't a joke, but it IS an AWESOME Thanksgiving reminder!

A Truckers Story (worth a few minutes of your time)
If this doesn't light your fire...your wood's wet!


 I try not to be biased, but I had my doubts about hiring Stevie. His
 placement counselor assured me that he would be a good, reliable busboy.
 But I had never had a mentally handicapped employee and wasn't sure I wanted
 one. I wasn't sure how my customers would react to Stevie.

 He was short, a little dumpy with the smooth facial features and
 thick-tongued speech of Downs Syndrome. I wasn't worried about most of my
 trucker customers because truckers don't generally care who buses tables as
 long as the meat loaf platter is good and the pies are homemade.

 The four-wheeler drivers were the ones who concerned me; the mouthy college
 kids traveling to school; the yuppie snobs who secretly polish their
 silverware with their napkins for fear of catching some dreaded 'truck stop
 germ' the pairs of white-shirted business men on expense accounts who think
 every truck stop waitress wants to be flirted with. I knew those people
 would be uncomfortable around Stevie so I closely watched him for the first
 few weeks.

 I shouldn't have worried. After the first week, Stevie had my staff wrapped
 around his stubby little finger, and within a month my truck regulars had
 adopted him as their official truck stop mascot.

 After that, I really didn't care what the rest of the customers thought of
 him. He was like a 21-year-old in blue jeans and Nikes, eager to laugh and
 eager to please, but fierce in his attention to his duties. Every salt and
 pepper shaker was exactly in its place, not a bread crumb or coffee spill
 was visible when Stevie got done with the table. Our only problem was
 persuading him to wait to clean a table until after the customers were
 finished. He would hover in the background, shifting his weight from one
 foot to the other, scanning the dining room until a table was empty. Then
 he would scurry to the empty table and carefully bus dishes and glasses
 onto his cart and meticulously wipe the table up with a practiced flourish
 of his rag.

 If he thought a customer was watching, his brow would pucker with added
 concentration. He took pride in doing his job exactly right, and you had to
 love how hard he tried to please each and every person he met.

 Over time, we learned that he lived with his mother, a widow who was
 disabled after repeated surgeries for cancer. They lived on their Social
 Security benefits in public housing two miles from the truck stop. Their
 social worker, who stopped to check on him every so often, admitted they had
 fallen between the cracks. Money was tight, and what I paid him was
 probably the difference between them being able to live together and Stevie
 being sent to a group home.. That's why the restaurant was a gloomy place
 that morning last August, the first morning in three years that Stevie
 missed work.

 He was at the Mayo Clinic in Rochester getting a new valve or something put
 in his heart. His social worker said that people with Downs Syndrome often
 have heart problems at an early age so this wasn't unexpected, and there was
 a good chance he would come through the surgery in good shape and be back at
 work in a few months.

 A ripple of excitement ran through the staff later that morning when word
 came that he was out of surgery, in recovery, and doing fine.

 Frannie, the head waitress, let out a war hoop and did a little dance in the
 aisle when she heard the good news.

 Belle Ringer, one of our regular trucker customers, stared at the sight of
 this 50-year-old grandmother of four doing a victory shimmy beside his
 table.

 Frannie blushed, smoothed her apron and shot Belle Ringer a withering look.

 He grinned. 'OK, Frannie, what was that all about?' he asked..
 'We just got word that Stevie is out of surgery and going to be okay.'
 'I was wondering where he was. I had a new joke to tell him. What was the
 surgery about?' Frannie quickly told Belle Ringer and the other two drivers sitting at his
 booth about Stevie's surgery, then sighed: 'Yeah, I'm glad he is going to
 be OK,' she said. 'But I don't know how he and his Mom are going to handle
 all the bills. From what I hear, they're barely getting by as it is.'
 Belle Ringer nodded thoughtfully, and Frannie hurried off to wait on the
 rest of her tables. Since I hadn't had time to round up a busboy to replace
 Stevie and really didn't want to replace him, the girls were busing their
 own tables that day until we decided what to do.

 After the morning rush, Frannie walked into my office.. She had a couple of
 paper napkins in her hand and a funny look on her face.

 'What's up?' I asked.

 'I didn't get that table where Belle Ringer and his friends were sitting
 cleared off after they left, and Pony Pete and Tony Tipper were sitting
 there when I got back to clean it off,' she said. 'This was folded and
 tucked under a coffee cup.' She handed the napkin to me, and three $20 bills fell onto my desk when I
 opened it. On the outside, in big, bold letters, was printed 'Something For
 Stevie'.

 'Pony Pete asked me what that was all about,' she said, 'so I told him about
 Stevie and his Mom and everything, and Pete looked at Tony and Tony looked
 at Pete, and they ended up giving me this' She handed me another paper
 napkin that had 'Something For Stevie' scrawled on its outside. Two $50
 bills were tucked within its folds. Frannie looked at me with wet, shiny
 eyes, shook her head and said simply: 'truckers.'

 That was three months ago. Today is Thanksgiving, the first day Stevie is
 supposed to be back to work. His placement worker said he's been counting the days until the doctor said
 he could work, and it didn't matter at all that it was a holiday. He called
 10 times in the past week, making sure we knew he was coming, fearful that
 we had forgotten him or that his job was in jeopardy. I arranged to have
 his mother bring him to work. I then met them in the parking lot and
 invited them both to celebrate his day back.

 Stevie was thinner and paler, but couldn't stop grinning as he pushed
 through the doors and headed for the back room where his apron and busing
 cart were waiting. 'Hold up there, Stevie, not so fast,' I said. I took him and his mother by
 their arms. 'Work can wait for a minute. To celebrate you coming back,
 breakfast for you and your mother is on me!' I led them toward a large
 corner booth at the rear of the room..

 I could feel and hear the rest of the staff following behind as we marched
 through the dining room. Glancing over my shoulder, I saw booth after booth
 of grinning truckers empty and join the procession. We stopped in front of
 the big table Its surface was covered with coffee cups, saucers and dinner
 plates, all sitting slightly crooked on dozens of folded paper napkins.
 'First thing you have to do, Stevie, is clean up this mess,' I said. I
 tried to sound stern.

 Stevie looked at me, and then at his mother, then pulled out one of the
 napkins. It had 'Something for Stevie' printed on the outside. As he
 picked it up, two $10 bills fell onto the table. Stevie stared at the money, then at all the napkins peeking from beneath the tableware, each with his name printed or scrawled on it. I turned to his
 mother. 'There's more than $10,000 in cash and checks on that table, all
 from truckers and trucking companies that heard about your problems. 'Happy
 Thanksgiving,'.

 Well, it got real noisy about that time, with everybody hollering and
 shouting, and there were a few tears, as well.. But you know what's funny? While everybody else was busy shaking hands and  hugging each other, Stevie, with a big, big smile on his face, was busy
 clearing all the cups and dishes from the table. Best worker I ever hired.

 Plant a seed and watch it grow.

 At this point, you can bury this inspirational message or forward it
 fulfilling the need!

 If you shed a tear, hug yourself, because you are a compassionate person.

 Well.. Don't just sit there! Send this story on! Keep it going, this is a
 good one!