Childbirth at 65

With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a 65-year-old friend of mine was able to give birth. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, I went to visit...

'May I see the new baby?' I asked.

'Not yet,' She said 'I'll make coffee and we can chat for a while first.'

Thirty minutes had passed, and I asked, 'May I see the new baby now?'

'No, not yet,' she said.

After another few minutes had elapsed, I asked again, 'May I see the baby now?'

'No, not yet,' replied my friend.

Growing very impatient, I asked, 'Well, when CAN I see the baby?'

'WHEN HE CRIES!' she told me.

'WHEN HE CRIES?' I demanded. 'Why do I have to wait until he CRIES?'
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'BECAUSE I FORGOT WHERE I PUT HIM, O.K.?!!'

Tips for Handling Telemarketers and other Tips from Andy Rooney

Three Little Words That Work !!

(1)The three little words are: 'Hold On, Please...'

Saying this, while putting down your phone and walking off (instead of hanging-up immediately) would make each telemarketing call so much more time-consuming that boiler room sales would grind to a halt.

Then when you eventually hear the phone company's 'beep-beep-beep' tone, you know it's time to go back and hang up your handset, which has efficiently completed its task.

These three little words will help eliminate telephone soliciting.


(2) Do you ever get those annoying phone calls with no one on the other end?

This is a telemarketing technique where a machine makes phone calls and records the time of day when a person answers the phone.


This technique is used to determine the best time of day for a 'real' sales person to call back and get someone at home.

What you can do after answering, if you notice there is no one there, is to immediately start hitting your # button on the phone, 6 or 7 times, as quickly as possible This confuses the machine that dialed the call and it kicks your number out of their system. Gosh, what a shame not to have your name in their system any longer !!!

(3) Junk Mail Help:
When you get 'ads' enclosed with your phone or utility bill, return these 'ads' with your payment. Let the sending companies throw their own junk mail away.

When you get those 'pre-approved' letters in the mail for everything from credit cards to 2nd mortgages and similar type junk, do not throw away the return envelope.

Most of these come with postage-paid return envelopes, right? It costs them more than the regular 41 cents postage 'IF' and when they receive them back..

It costs them nothing if you throw them away! The postage was around 50 cents before the last increase and it is according to the weight. In that case, why not get rid of some of your other junk mail and put it in these cool little, postage-paid return envelopes.

One of Andy Rooney's (60 minutes) ideas.
Send an ad for your local chimney cleaner to American Express. Send a pizza coupon to Citibank. If you didn't get anything else that day, then just send them their blank application back!
If you want to remain anonymous, just make sure your name isn't on anything you send them.

You can even send the envelope back empty if you want to just to keep them guessing! It still costs them 41 cents.

The banks and credit card companies are currently getting a lot of their own junk back in the mail, but folks, we need to OVERWHELM them. Let's let them know what it's like to get lots of junk mail, and best of all they're paying for it...Twice!

Let's help keep our postal service busy since they are saying that e-mail is cutting into their business profits, and that's why they need to increase postage costs again You get the idea !

If enough people follow these tips, it will work ---- I have been doing this for years, and I get very little junk mail anymore.

Firemen's helmets on the 3 wise men?

Our people...





In a small Southern town there was a nativity scene that
Indicated great skill and talent in its creation. One small feature
Bothered me though. The three wise men were wearing
Firemen's' helmets.

Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left.
At a "Quik Stop" on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind
The counter about the helmets. She exploded into a rage,
Yelling at me, "You darn Yankees never do read the Bible!"

I assured her that I did, but simply couldn't recall anything
About firemen in the Bible. She jerked her Bible from behind the
Counter and ruffled through some pages, and finally jabbed her
Finger at a particular passage.

Sticking it in my face she said, "See, it says right here, 'The
Three wise men came from afar.'"

"TANJOOBERRYMUTTS"

By the time you read through this YOU WILL UNDERSTAND 'TANJOOBERRYMUTTS'




The following is a telephone exchange between a hotel guest and room-service in a hotel ....

Room Service : "Morrin. Roon sirbees."

Guest : "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service."

Room Service: " Rye . Roon sirbees...morrin! Joowish to oddor sunteen???"

Guest: "Uh..... Yes, I'd like to order bacon and eggs."

Room Service: "Ow ulai den?"

Guest: ".....What??"

Room Service: "Ow ulai den?!?... Pryed, boyud , pochd?"

Guest: "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry..Scrambled, please."

Room Service: "Ow ulai dee bayken? Creepse?"

Guest: "Crisp will be fine."

Room Service: "Hokay. Ansahn toes?"

Guest: "What?"

Room Service: "An toes. ulaisahn toes?"

Guest: "I.... Don't think so.."

RoomService: "No?Udo wan sahn toes???"

Guest: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'udo wan sahn toes'
means."

RoomService: "Toes! Toes!...WhyUoo donwan toes? Ow bow Anglish moppin we botter?"

Guest: "Oh, English muffin! !! I've got it! You were saying 'toast'... Fine...Yes, an English muffin will be fine."

RoomService: "We botter?"

Guest: "No, just put the botter on the side."

RoomService: "Wad?!?"

Guest: "I mean butter... Just put the butter on the side."

RoomService: "Copy?"

Guest: "Excuse me?"

RoomService: "Copy...tea.. meel?"

Guest: "Yes. Coffee, please... And that's everything."

RoomService: "One Minnie. Scramah egg, creepse bayken, Anglish moppin, we botter on sigh and copy ... Rye ??"

Guest: "Whatever you say."

RoomService: "Tanjooberrymutts."

Guest: "You're welcome"


Remember I said "By the time you read through this YOU WILL UNDERSTAND 'TANJOOBERRYMUTTS'
......and you do, don't you?!!

Entertainment night at the Senior Center

It was entertainment night at the Senior Center . Claude the hypnotist exclaimed:
'I'm here to put you all into a trance - I intend to
hypnotize each and every member of the
audience.'

The excitement was almost electric as Claude
withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. The polished metal gleamed in the
light.

Claude the hypnotist said:
'I want you each to keep your eyes on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations.'

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, 'Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch.'

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light shimmering off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, shattering into a hundred pieces.

'SH**T!' said the Hypnotist.


It took 3 days to clean up the Senior Center.

A farm kids perspective...

A Missouri farmer in his pickup,

drove to a neighbor's,

and knocked at the door.


A boy, about 9, opened the door "Is your dad home?"


"No sir, he isn't; he went to town."

"Well, is your mother here?"

"No sir, she went to town with dad."

"How about your brother Howard is he here?"

"No sir, he went with mom and dad."

The rancher stood there for a few minutes,

shifting from one foot to the other,

and mumbling to himself.

"Is there anything I can do for you?

I know where all the tools are,

if you want to borrow one,

or I can give dad a message."

"Well," said the rancher uncomfortably,

“I really wanted to talk to your dad.”

”It's about your brother Howard

getting my daughter, Suzie, pregnant.”


The boy thought for a moment.


“You would have to talk to Dad about that.”

“I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the hog,

but I don't know how much he charges for Howard.”

The last penny...

A father walks into a restaurant with his young son. He gives the young boy
3 pennies to play with to keep him occupied. Suddenly, the boy starts
choking, going blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed
the pennies and starts slapping him on the back..

The boy coughs up 2 of the pennies, but keeps choking. Looking at his son,
the father is panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business
suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of
coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup
down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from
her seat and makes her way,unhurried, across the restaurant.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the
boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then
ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs
up the last penny, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.
Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the penny to the father and
walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father
rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen
anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"

"No, IRS"