A Little Levity at the Expense of the SEC

A Little Levity at the Expense of the SEC:

1. What does the average Ole Miss player get on his S.A.T.?
A: Drool

 2. What do you get when you put 16 Mississippi State Cheerleaders in one room?
A: A full set of teeth.

 3. How do you get a Auburn cheerleader in your room?
A: Grease her hips and push real hard.

 4. How do you get a former Georgia player and graduate off your porch?
A: Pay him for the pizza.

 5. How do you know if an Alabama player has a girlfriend?
A: There is tobacco spit running down BOTH sides of his truck.

 6. What does Kentucky football have in common with Possums?
A: They play dead at home and get killed on the road.

 7. What are the longest three years of an LSU player's life?
A: His Freshman year.

 8. How many Florida Freshman does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. That's a Sophomore course.

 9. When O.J. was being chased in his white Chevy Blazer, where was he headed?
A: Vanderbilt...he knew no one would ever think of finding a Heisman winner there.

 10. How do you keep a South Carolina football player out of your front yard?
A: Put up a goal post.

 11. Why did Tennessee choose orange for their team colors?
A: You can wear it to the game on Saturday, hunting on Sunday, and picking up trash alongside the road on Monday.

To My "Senior" Friends

I couldn't decide whether to put this in my political blog, or this one! Pretty close!

Senior health care solution--according to Maxine So you're a senior citizen and the government says no health care for you, what do you do? Our plan gives anyone 65 years or older a gun and 4 bullets.  You are allowed to shoot 2 senators and 2 representatives.  Of Course, this means you will be sent to prison where you will get 3 meals a day, a roof over your head, and all the health care you need!  New teeth, no problem.  Need glasses, great.  New hip, knees, kidney, lungs, heart?  All covered. (And your kids can come and visit you as often as they do now). And who will be paying for all of this?  The same government that just told you that you are too old for health care.  Plus, because you are a prisoner, you don't have to pay any income taxes anymore. IS THIS A GREAT COUNTRY OR WHAT?!

To Be Six Again

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his wife, who was looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not
far off he asked what she'd like to have for her birthday.

'I'd like to be six again', she replied, still looking in the mirror .

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was.

Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.

Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite  candy,  M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.
 
He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being six again?'

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.

'I meant my dress size, you idiot!!!!'

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.

Traffic Camera

  I was driving when I saw the flash of a traffic camera. I figured that my picture had been taken for exceeding the limit even though I knew that I was not speeding.

Just to be sure, I went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed.

Now I began to think that this was quite funny, so I drove even slower as I passed the area once more, but the traffic camera again flashed.

I tried a fourth and fifth time with the same results and was now laughing as the camera flashed while I rolled past at a snail's pace.

Two weeks later, I got five tickets in the mail for driving without a seat belt.
 
  You know, you just can't fix stupid.

Your House As Seen By:

Yourself... 

 

Your Buyer...

 

Your Lender...


 

Your Appraiser...

 
And....
Your  County   Tax  Assessor...

NOAH TODAY

In the year 2010, the Lord came unto Noah,
Who was now living in England and said:
"Once again, the earth has become wicked and over
-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me."
"Build another  Ark and save 2 of every living thing
Along with a few good humans."
He gave Noah the blueprints, saying:
"You have 6 months to build the  Ark before I will
Start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah
Weeping in his yard - but no  Ark.
"Noah!," He roared, "I'm about to start the rain!
Where is the  Ark?"
"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed."

"I needed a Building Permit."



"I've been arguing with the Boat Inspector
About the need for a sprinkler system."



"My neighbours claim that I've violated the
Neighbourhood By-Laws by building the  Ark in my
Back garden and exceeding the height limitations. We had to
Go to the Local Planning Committee for a decision."


"Then the Local Council and the Electricity Company demanded a shed load of money for the future costs of moving power
Lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the
Passage for the  Ark's move to the sea. I told them
That the sea would be coming to us, but they would
Hear nothing of it."



"Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban
On cutting local trees in order to save the Greater Spotted Barn Owl."
"I tried to convince the environmentalists that I
Needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!"


"When I started gathering the animals the RSPCA took me to court. They insisted that I was
Confining wild animals against their will. They
Argued the accommodations were too restrictive, and
It was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in
A confined space."



"Then the Environmental Agency ruled that I couldn't build the  Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study
On your proposed flood."



"I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the
Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm
Supposed to hire for my building crew."



"Immigration are checking the
Visa status of most of the people who want to work."



"The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They
Insist I have to hire only Union workers with
Ark-building experience."



"To make matters worse, the Inland Revenue seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally
With endangered species."



"So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10
Years for me to finish this  Ark."





"Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine,
And a rainbow stretched across the sky." 





Noah looked up in wonder and asked,
"You mean you're not going to destroy the world?"

"No," said the Lord.
" The Government beat me to it."