ALMOST TOO TRUE TO BE FUNNY !!!!!

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ALMOST TOO TRUE TO BE FUNNY !!!!!

A good laugh for people in the over 45 group !!!  When I bought my Blackberry, I thought about the 30-year business I ran with 1800 employees, all without a cell phone that plays music, takes videos, pictures and communicates with Facebook and Twitter. I signed up under duress for Twitter and Face book, so my seven kids, their spouses, 13 grand kids and 2 great grand kids could communicate with me in the modern way. I figured I could handle something as simple as Twitter with only 140 characters of space. That was before one of my grand kids hooked me up for Tweeter, Tweetree, Twhirl, Twitterfon, Tweetie and Twittererific Tweetdeck, Twitpix and something that sends every message to my cell phone and every other program within the texting world. My phone was beeping every three minutes with the details of everything except the bowel movements of the entire next generation. I am not ready to live like this. I keep my cell phone in the garage in my golf bag. The kids bought me a GPS for my last birthday because they say I get lost every now and then going over to the grocery store or library. I keep that in a box under my tool bench with the Blue tooth [it's red] phone I am supposed to use when I drive. I wore it once and was standing in line at Barnes and Noble talking to my wife and everyone in the nearest 50 yards was glaring at me. I had to take my hearing aid out to use it, and I got a little loud. I mean the GPS looked pretty smart on my dash board, but the lady inside that gadget was the most annoying, rudest person I had run into in a long time. Every 10 minutes, she would sarcastically say, "Re-calc-u-lating."  You would think that she could be nicer. It was like she could barely tolerate me. She would let go with a deep sigh and then tell me to make a U-turn at the next light. Then if I made a right turn instead. Well, it was not a good relationship. When I get really lost now, I call my wife and tell her the name of the cross streets and while she is starting to develop the same tone as Gypsy, the GPS lady, at least she loves me. To be perfectly frank, I am still trying to learn how to use the cordless phones in our house. We have had them for 4 years, but I still haven't figured out how I can lose three phones all at once and have run around digging under chair cushions and checking bathrooms and the dirty laundry baskets when the phone rings. The world is just getting too complex for me. They even mess me up every time I go to the grocery store. You would think they could settle on something themselves but this sudden "Paper or Plastic?" every time I check out just knocks me for a loop. I bought some of those cloth reusable bags to avoid looking confused, but I never remember to take them in with me. Now I toss it back to them. When they ask me, "Paper or Plastic?" I just say, "Doesn't matter to me. I am bi-sacksual."  Then it's their turn to stare at me with a blank look. I was recently asked if I tweet. I answered, "No, but I do toot a lot." P.S. I know some of you are not over 50.  I sent it to you to allow you to forward it to those who are.   Us senior citizens don't need anymore gadgets.  The tv remote and the garage door remote are about all we can handle.

"The best thing that parents can spend on their children is time--not money."

Any Judge Judy fans? This is classic!

I don't regularly watch Judge Judy and almost deleted this but it is
something else.  I have to agree with her, $70,000.00 of our taxes
flushed down the drain.

MULTIPLY THIS A FEW MILLION TIMES TO UNDERSTAND WHY ENTITLEMENTS BROKE
THE U.S. TAXPAYER.

CBS removed this video from YouTube, but I've found another copy watch it
quick before it's gone, and send to all.
Must watch this!!!!!!!!
You have to watch this video of Judge Judy before it's removed- it's
actually a guy from St Paul , MN .

This is why our taxes should be raised?? Come on


http://revolutionarypolitics.tv/video/viewVideo.php?video_id=15915

--
Thank you,
 
Guy W Chatten
Mr K's Fabric Shop
1726 N 12th St.
Quincy, Il 62301
Office: (217) 222-5816
Fax:    (217) 222-5864
guymrk@gmail.com

Define the problem...

The problem is not how did they get in there...  it's how do you get them out.

 

 

 

 

 

Afternoon Humor

 1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

 

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

 

3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

 

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.

 

5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

 

6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

 

7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on #5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

 

8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

 

9 I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

 

10. Bad decisions make good stories.

 

11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

 

12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.

 

13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.

 

14. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

 

15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

 

16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.

 

17. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

 

18. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

 

19. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?

 

20. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!

 

21. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

 

22. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.

 

23. People who forward e- mail without deleting the tons of previous recipients should be shot and then tarred and feathered.

 

24. The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important. Ladies quit laughing!

 

 

A few quotes you might enjoy! (Thanks Bob!)

 

 

 

Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, 'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin..' -   Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter) <><>    I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: - 'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.'    - Eleanor Roosevelt    <><>    Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement..   - Mark Twain  <><>   The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible  - George Burns  <><>    Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.  - Victor Borge  <><>     Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.  - Mark Twain  <><>    By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.  - Socrates  <><>     I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.  - Groucho Marx  <><>     My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.  - Jimmy Durante  <><>    I have never  hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.  - Zsa Zsa Gabor  <><>    Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.  - Alex Levine  <><>     My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.  - Rodney Dangerfield  <><>         Money can't buy you happiness .... But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.  - Spike Milligan  <><>     Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP .  - Joe Namath  <><>     I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.  - Bob Hope  <><>     I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it..  - W. C. Fields  <><>       We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.   - Will Rogers   <><>    Don't worry about avoiding temptation.   As you grow older, it will avoid you.  - Winston Churchill  <><>     Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty .. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out..  - Phyllis Diller  <><>     By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.  - Bill y Crystal  <><>        And the cardiologist's diet: -  If it tastes good spit it out.  May your troubles be less, may your blessings be more, and may nothing but happiness come through your door.

 

 

 

phone call from hell

 

George Bush, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell. While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for. The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.

Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a check.

Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes. When she is finished the devil informs her that the cost is 6 million dollars, so she writes him a check.

Finally George Bush gets his turn and talks for 4 hours. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is $5.00.

When Putin hears this he goes ballistic and asks the devil why Bush got to call the USA so cheaply. The devil smiles and replies, "Since Obama took over, the country has gone to hell, so it's a local call."

 

If you are biblically AND politically inclined...

 

-----  Psalm 109:8 My wife and I were in slow-moving traffic the other day and we were stopped behind a car that had an unusual Obama bumper sticker on it. It read: "Pray for Obama.  Psalm  109:8". When we got home my wife got out the Bible and  opened it up to the scripture.  She started laughing &  laughing.  Then she read it to me.  I couldn't believe  what it said.  I had a good laugh, too. Psalm  109:8 ~ "Let his days be few and brief; and let others step  forward to replace him." At  last -- I can honestly voice a Biblical prayer for our  president! Look it up -- it is word for word!  Let us all  bow our heads and pray. Brothers and Sisters, can I get an AMEN?

 

Anything bugging you today?

The next time one of you start to BXXXX think of this boy!!
 

 

 

                                    So true!!  Attitude and Adaptation.

Attitude is everything. - You can't do what???   Have you ever seen a more beautiful smile than this one?     Our attitude toward life defines not only who we are, but the quality of life we will have.  Anything bugging you today? Doesn't seem so bad anymore, does it?    "Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain".

 

Plant a pig Program

 

Whatever it takes...

The Spaniards' Brilliant Idea!!

In Seville Spain, local people found a way to stop the construction of yet another mosque in their town.  
They simply buried a pig on the site, and made sure this would be known by the local press.

The Islamic rules forbid the erecting of a Mosque on "pig soiled ground."  The Muslims had to cancel the project.  This land was originally sold to them by government officials, and could theoretically be repurchased at a discount. Imagine that!

No protests were needed by the local people... no gov't bureaucrat intervention... no violence... no costly gov't buy-outs or land-swaps... and it worked!

Plant a Pig Program!

In Texas and across the SouthEast, they have an over abundance of crop-eating feral pigs.  One Win-Win scenario could involve relocating them all across the country and just plant them everywhere a mosque is being planned!

After all, 'contaminated' soil would surely drift... and they could create better jobs programs by hiring soil testers to determine where contaminated soil existed.

Of course, high on the mountaintops of the Rockies or other mountain ranges, they might find some uncontaminated soil, but then building a mosque there would pose a slew of other problems.

Americans, put on your thinking caps and let's find a solution to this problem of a fast-spreading veiled menace to the American way of life!  
Strategically-placed carcasses might also stem the tide of Jihadists crossing our porous southern borders (and save those poor freezing cold coyotes;-).
DHS pencil-pushers might also enact a second national safety symbol and motto "IN PIGS WE TRUST and BBQ!"
If pigs are the answer, let's do it!

Porcine Committee for the Betterment of America! PCBA

Let's keep this idea going! Send it on!

 

Some political wisdom from Larry the Cable Guy

|       Advice from Larry; the farmer next door. Everyone concentrates on the problems we're having in Our Country lately:  Illegal immigration, hurricane recovery, alligators attacking people in Florida .  .  .  .   Not me -- I concentrate on solutions for the problems -- it's a win-win situation. * Dig a moat the length of the Mexican border.  * Send the dirt to New Orleans to raise the level of the levees.  * Put the Florida alligators in the moat along the Mexican border.   Any other problems you would like for me to solve today? Think about this:  1.  Cows  2.  The Constitution  3.  The Ten Commandments   COWS: is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that during the mad cow epidemic our government could track a single cow, born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she slept in the state of Washington?  And, they tracked her calves to their stalls.  But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country.  Maybe we should give each of them a cow. THE CONSTITUTION:  They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq ...why don't we just give them ours?  It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it has worked for over 200 years, and we're not using it anymore. THE 10 COMMANDMENTS:  The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments posted in a courthouse is this -- you cannot post 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' and 'Thou Shall Not Lie' in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians, it creates a hostile work environment. Also, think about this ...  if you don't want to forward this for fear of offending someone -- YOU ARE PART OF THE PROBLEM!

 

 

"Routine" traffic stop--good one Bob!

Senior Driver I made a traffic stop on an elderly lady the other day for speeding on U.S. 166 Eastbound at Mile Marker 73 just East of Sedan, KS. I asked for her driver's license, registration, and proof of insurance. The lady took out the required information and handed it to me. In with the cards I was somewhat surprised (due to her advanced age) to See she had a conceal carry permit. I looked at her and ask if she had a weapon in her possession at this time. She responded that she indeed had .45 automatic in her glove Box. Something, body language, or the way she said it made me want to ask if She had any other firearms. She did admit to also having a 9mm Glock in her center console. Now I had to ask one more time if that was all, she responded once again She did have just one more, a .38 special in her purse. I then asked her what was she so afraid of? She looked me right in the eye and said, "Not a damn thing!"

Leroy & Earl

EARL AND LEROY

 

 

Earl and Leroy saw an ad in the Starkville Daily News newspaper in Starkville , Mississippi , and bought a mule for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the mule the next day. The next morning the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry, fellows, I have some bad news, the mule died last night." Earl and Leroy replied, "Well, then just give us our money back." The farmer said, "Cain't do that. I went and spent it already." They said, "OK then, just bring us the dead mule." The farmer asked, "What in the world ya'll gonna do with a dead mule?" Leroy said, "We gonna raffle him off." The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead mule!" Earl said, "We shor can! Heck, we don't hafta tell nobody he's dead!" A couple of weeks later, the farmer ran into Earl and Leroy at the Piggly Wiggly grocery store and asked "What'd you fellers ever do with that dead mule?" They said,"We raffled him off like we said we wuz gonna do." Leroy said,"Shucks, we sold 500 tickets fer two dollars apiece and made a profit of $998." The farmer said,"Gol dern, didn't anyone complain?" Earl said, "Well, the feller who won got upset. So we gave him his two dollars back." Earl and Leroy now work for the gub'ment. They're overseein' the Stimulus Program. There should be a new rule: Limit all U.S. politicians to two terms: One in office One in prison. Illinois already does this.

 

A lawyer and a senior citizen

A lawyer and a senior citizen are sitting  next to each other on a long flight. The lawyer is thinking that seniors   are so dumb that he could get one over on them easily .   So, the lawyer asks if the senior would like to play a fun game. The senior is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he  politely declines and tries to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists, saying that the game is a lot of fun...."I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5.00. Then you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00," he says. This catches the senior's attention and, to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game. The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the Earth to the Moon?" The senior doesn't say a word, but reaches into his pocket, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer. Now, it's the senior's turn. He asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer uses his laptop to search all references he can find on the Net. He sends E-mails to all the smart friends he knows; all to no avail.  After an hour of searching, he finally gives up. He wakes the senior and hands him $500.00. The senior pockets the $500.00 and goes right back to sleep. The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the senior up and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?" The senior reaches into his pocket, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.