Pet Fish story!

A redneck with a bucket full of live fish was approached recently by a
game warden at Lake Hartwell as he started to drive his boat away from the Lake.

The game warden asked the man, "May I see your fishing license please?"

"Naw, sir," replied the redneck. "I don't need none of them there papers.
 These here are my pet fish."

"Pet fish??"

"Yep. Once a week, I bring these here fish o'mine down to the lake and let
 'em swim 'round for a while.  Then when I whistle, they swim right back
 into my net and I take 'em home."

"What a line of horse shit.....you're under arrest."

The redneck said, "It's the truth, Mr. Gov'ment Man.  I'll show ya!  We do This all the time."
 
"WE do, now, do WE?" smirked the warden. "PROVE it!"

The redneck released the fish into the lake and stood and waited.  After a
 few minutes, the warden said, "Well?"

"Well, WHUT?" said the redneck.

The warden asked, "When are you going to call them back?"

"Call who back?"

"The FISH," replied the warden!

"Whut fish?" asked the redneck, "i don't see no fish."

MORAL OF THE STORY:

We may not be as smart as some city slickers, but we ain't as dumb as some
government employees.

You can say what you want about the South, but you never hear of anyone
 retiring and moving north.

Urologist Appointment

I got this from an "older" friend! Enjoy!

Yesterday I had an appointment to see the urologist for a prostate exam. Of course I was a bit on edge because all my friends have either gone under the knife or had those pellets implanted. The waiting room was filled with patients.    As I approached the receptionist's desk, I noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler.  I gave her my name, and in a very loud voice she said: "YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE, YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"     All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at me, now a very embarrassed man. But as usual, I recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice, I replied:   "NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE, BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS."   The room erupted in applause!   DON'T MESS WITH OLD RETIRED GUYS!!!

 

(another bears thing)

Two boys are playing hockey on a pond in a Chicago park when one of the boys is suddenly attacked by a crazed Rottweiler.   Thinking quickly, the other boy takes his hockey stick, shoves it under the dog's collar, twists it and breaks the dog's neck, saving his friend.   A reporter is standing by, sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy.   "Young Cub Fan Saves Friend from Vicious Animal" he starts writing in his notebook.   "But I'm not a Cub Fan", the little boy replies. "Sorry but since we're in Chicago, I just assumed you were", says the reporter and starts writing again.   "Sox Fan Rescues Friend from Horrific Attack," he writes in his notebook. "But I'm not a Sox Fan either, " the little boy replies.   "Sorry but since we're in Chicago, ' I just assumed you were," says the reporter and starts writing again.   "Bears Fan Rescues Friend from Horrific Attack," he writes in his notebook. "I'm not a Bears Fan either," says the boy. "Oh... I assumed everyone in Chicago was either for the Cubs, Sox or Bears.   What team do you root for?" the reporter asked. "I'm a Packers fan," the boy replies.   The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes... "Little Bastard from Wisconsin Kills Beloved Family Pet"

GLOBAL FACTS ABOUT SEX

Global Facts About Sex At Any Given Moment :   FACT : 79,000,000 people are engaged in sex - right now.   FACT : 58,000,000 are kissing.   FACT : 37,000,000 are relaxing after having sex.   FACT : 1 old person is reading emails.   You hang in there Sunshine…

4 X Married

Married Four Times
The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married for the fourth time. The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation. "He's a funeral director," she answered.  "Interesting," the newsman thought.

He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living. She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years.

After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her early 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, and a preacher when in her 60's, and now in her 80's, a funeral director.

The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.

She smiled and explained, "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."

(Oh, just hush-up and send this one on).

Unemployment benefits

 

 

Congress has announced they intend to make it more difficult to claim Unemployment Benefits.

Starting next Monday the forms will be printed in English.

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Cartoons for Twisted People

Dog Therapy    If you don't pass this along,  a dog will visit your computer! Oops...guess you didn't send it fast enough!    We'll be friends until we are old and senile.  Then we'll be new friends every day thereafter.