Afternoon Humor

 1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

 

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

 

3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

 

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.

 

5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

 

6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

 

7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on #5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

 

8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

 

9 I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

 

10. Bad decisions make good stories.

 

11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

 

12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.

 

13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.

 

14. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

 

15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

 

16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.

 

17. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

 

18. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

 

19. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?

 

20. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!

 

21. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

 

22. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.

 

23. People who forward e- mail without deleting the tons of previous recipients should be shot and then tarred and feathered.

 

24. The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important. Ladies quit laughing!

 

 

A few quotes you might enjoy! (Thanks Bob!)

 

 

 

Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, 'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin..' -   Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter) <><>    I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: - 'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.'    - Eleanor Roosevelt    <><>    Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement..   - Mark Twain  <><>   The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible  - George Burns  <><>    Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.  - Victor Borge  <><>     Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.  - Mark Twain  <><>    By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.  - Socrates  <><>     I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.  - Groucho Marx  <><>     My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.  - Jimmy Durante  <><>    I have never  hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.  - Zsa Zsa Gabor  <><>    Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.  - Alex Levine  <><>     My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.  - Rodney Dangerfield  <><>         Money can't buy you happiness .... But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.  - Spike Milligan  <><>     Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP .  - Joe Namath  <><>     I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.  - Bob Hope  <><>     I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it..  - W. C. Fields  <><>       We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.   - Will Rogers   <><>    Don't worry about avoiding temptation.   As you grow older, it will avoid you.  - Winston Churchill  <><>     Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty .. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out..  - Phyllis Diller  <><>     By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.  - Bill y Crystal  <><>        And the cardiologist's diet: -  If it tastes good spit it out.  May your troubles be less, may your blessings be more, and may nothing but happiness come through your door.

 

 

 

phone call from hell

 

George Bush, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell. While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for. The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.

Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a check.

Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes. When she is finished the devil informs her that the cost is 6 million dollars, so she writes him a check.

Finally George Bush gets his turn and talks for 4 hours. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is $5.00.

When Putin hears this he goes ballistic and asks the devil why Bush got to call the USA so cheaply. The devil smiles and replies, "Since Obama took over, the country has gone to hell, so it's a local call."

 

If you are biblically AND politically inclined...

 

-----  Psalm 109:8 My wife and I were in slow-moving traffic the other day and we were stopped behind a car that had an unusual Obama bumper sticker on it. It read: "Pray for Obama.  Psalm  109:8". When we got home my wife got out the Bible and  opened it up to the scripture.  She started laughing &  laughing.  Then she read it to me.  I couldn't believe  what it said.  I had a good laugh, too. Psalm  109:8 ~ "Let his days be few and brief; and let others step  forward to replace him." At  last -- I can honestly voice a Biblical prayer for our  president! Look it up -- it is word for word!  Let us all  bow our heads and pray. Brothers and Sisters, can I get an AMEN?