Fwd: The Afghan Quarterback

If this weren't so nearly true, it would almost be funny. The Afghan Quarterback The coach had put together the perfect team for the Chicago Bears. The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win. Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in Afghanistan . In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Afghan Muslim soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away. KABOOM! He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney. KA-BLOOEY! Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph. BULLS-EYE! "I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!" So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Bears go on to win the Super Bowl. The young Afghan is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother. "Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!" "I don't want to talk to you, the old Muslim woman says."You are not my son!" "I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans." "No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!" The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says, "I will never forgive you for making us move to Chicago !!!!

 

Fwd: ships

   

3 New Navy Ships: USS REAGAN Seeing it next to the Arizona Memorial really puts its size into perspective... ENORMOUS! When the Bridge pipes 'Man the Rail' there is a lot of rail to man on this monster: shoulder to shoulder, around 4.5 acres.   Her displacement is about 100,000 tons with full complement.   Capability Top speed exceeds 30 knots, powered by two nuclear reactors that can operate for more than 20 years without refueling                 1. Expected to operate in the fleet for about 50 years 2. Carries over 80 combat aircraft 3. Three arresting cables can stop a 28-ton aircraft going 150 miles per hour in less than 400 feet Size 1. Towers 20 stories above the waterline 2. 1092 feet long; nearly as long as the Empire State Building is tall 3.   Flight deck covers 4.5 acres 4.  4 bronze propellers, each 21 feet across, weighing 66,200 pounds 5.  2 rudders, each 29 by 22 feet and weighing 50 tons 6.  4 high speed aircraft elevators, each over 4,000 square feet     USS BILL CLINTON The USS William Jefferson Clinton (CVS1) set sail today from its home port of Vancouver , BC The ship is the first of its kind in the Navy and is a standing legacy to President Bill Clinton 'for his foresight in military budget cuts' and his conduct while holding the (formerly dignified) office of President. The ship is constructed nearly entirely from recycled aluminum and is completely solar powered with a top speed of 5 knots. It boasts an arsenal comprised of one (unarmed) F14 Tomcat or one (unarmed) F18 Hornet aircraft which, although they cannot be launched on the 100 foot flight deck, form a very menacing presence.   USS  BARACK OBAMA  Details are vague. But don't you worry..........he has a plan!

Woman in Hot Air Balloon

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am." The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above ground elevation of 2,346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude. She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be a Republican." "I am," replied the man. "How did you know?" "Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct. But I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me." The man smiled and responded, "You must be an Obama-Democrat." "I am," replied the balloonist. "How did you know?" "Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are -- or where you are going. You've risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but somehow, now it's my fault."

 

Maxine on Politicians!

Grandchildren

So, there I was, just relaxing in front of the TV When the grandkids yelled: "Hey Grandpa, Come see the kittens..............."

 

A great example of dedication and focus.

 

He chipped in for a Birdie!!

 

Subject: A great example of dedication and focus.

 

 

 

Another golf tip............. stay focused!

 

Brain Study

 

   

Brain Study....I've seen this with the letters out of order, but this is the first time I've seen it with numbers. Good example of a Brain Study: If you can read this you have a strong mind. You can forget about Alzheimer's.    7H15 M3554G3                         53RV35 7O PR0V3                        H0W 0UR M1ND5 C4N D0 4M4Z1NG 7H1NG5! 1MPR3551V3 7H1NG5! 1N 7H3 B3G1NN1NG 17 WA5 H4RD BU7 N0W, 0N 7H15 LIN3 Y0UR M1ND 1S R34D1NG 17 4U70M471C4LLY W17H 0U7 3V3N 7H1NK1NG 4B0U7 17, B3 PROUD! 0NLY C3R741N P30PL3 C4N R3AD 7H15. PL3453 F0RW4RD 1F U C4N R34D 7H15.

Ineptocracy-New Word

 

This word will become a recognized English word.

 Googled and discovered it is a recently "coined" new word found on T-shirts on eBay:

 

--

 

 

RECENT VIRGINIA CHURCH SERVICE - STIMULUS SERMON

Genesis 47:13-27 RECENT VIRGINIA CHURCH SERVICE - STIMULUS SERMON I would love to give the Pastor of this predominantly black church in Virginia three cheers. This guy is obviously a leader. Perhaps we should each decide who our real leader is... It is amazing to see that very little has changed in 4,000 years. Good morning, brothers and sisters; it's always a delight to see the pews crowded on Sunday morning, and so eager to get into God's Word. Turn with me in your Bibles, if you will, to the 47th chapter of Genesis. We'll begin our reading at verse 13, and go through verse 27. Brother Ray, would you stand and read that great passage for us? ... (reading) ... Thank you for that fine reading, Brother Ray. So we see that economic hard times fell upon Egypt , and the people turned to the government of Pharaoh to deal with this for them. And Pharaoh nationalized the grain harvest, and placed the grain in great storehouses that he had built. So the people brought their money to Pharaoh, like a great tax increase, and gave it all to him willingly in return for grain. And this went on until their money ran out, and they were hungry again. So when they went to Pharaoh after that, they brought their livestock - their cattle, their horses, their sheep, and their donkey - to barter for grain, and verse 17 says that only took them through the end of that year. But the famine wasn't over, was it? So the next year, the people came before Pharaoh and admitted they had nothing left, except their land and their own lives. "There is nothing left in the sight of my lord but our bodies and our land. Why should we die before your eyes, both we and our land? Buy us and our land for food, and we with our land will be servants to Pharaoh." So they surrendered their homes, their land, and their real estate to Pharaoh's government, and then sold themselves into slavery to him, in return for grain. What can we learn from this, brothers and sisters? That turning to the government instead of to God to be our provider in hard times only leads to slavery? Yes... That the only reason government wants to be our provider is to also become our master? Yes. But look how that passage ends, brothers and sisters! Thus Israel settled in the land of Egypt , in the land of Goshen . And they gained possessions in it, and were fruitful and multiplied greatly." God provided for His people, just as He always has! They didn't end up giving all their possessions to government, no, it says they gained possessions! But I also tell you a great truth today, and an ominous one. We see the same thing happening today - the government today wants to "share the wealth" once again, to take it from us and redistribute it back to us. It wants to take control of healthcare, just as it has taken control of education, and ration it back to us, and when government rations it, then government decides who gets it, and how much, and what kind. And if we go along with it, and do it willingly, then we will wind up no differently than the people of Egypt did four thousand years ago - as slaves to the government, and as slaves to our leaders. What Mr. Obama's government is doing now is no different from what Pharaoh's government did then, and it will end the same. And a lot of people like to call Mr. Obama a "Messiah," don't they? Is he a Messiah? A savior? Didn't the Egyptians say, after Pharaoh made them his slaves, "You have saved our lives; may it please my lord, we will be servants to Pharaoh"? Well, I tell you this - I know the Messiah; the Messiah is a friend of mine; and Mr. OBAMA IS NO MESSIAH! No, brothers and sisters, if Mr. Obama is a character from the Bible, then he is Pharaoh. Bow with me in prayer, if you will... Lord, You alone are worthy to be served, and we rely on You, and You alone. We confess that the government is not our deliverer, and never rightly will be. We read in the eighth chapter of 1 Samuel, when Samuel warned the people of what a ruler would do, where it says "And in that day you will cry out because of your king, whom you have chosen for yourselves, but the LORD will not answer you in that day..." And Lord, we acknowledge that day has come. We cry out to you because of the ruler that we have chosen for ourselves as a nation. Lord, we pray for this nation. We pray for revival, and we pray for deliverance from those who would be our masters. Give us hearts to seek You and hands to serve You, and protect Your people from the atrocities of Pharaoh's government. In God We Trust...

Fwd: 9 Points to ponder

9 POINTS TO PONDER! Number 9 Life is sexually transmitted. Number 8 Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die. Number 7 Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to surf the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years. Number 6 Health nuts are going to feel silly someday, lying in the hospitals, dying of nothing.   Number 5 All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism. Number 4 Why does a slight tax increase cost you $800.00, and a substantial tax cut saves you $30.00? Number 3 In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal. Number 2 Life is like a jar of Jalapeno peppers--what you do today, might burn your ___ tomorrow.  And The Number 1 Thought - - - as someone recently said to me: "Don't worry about old age - it doesn't last that long."

 

The Federal Government is SUEING Arizona...does it make sense?

Arizona Governor Jan Brewer   Robert Sarver, the owner of the Phoenix Suns basketball team, came out strongly opposing AZ's new immigration laws. Arizona 's Governor, Jan Brewer, released the following statement in response to Sarver's criticism of the new law: "What if the owners of the Suns discovered that hordes of people were sneaking into games without paying? What if they had a good idea who the gate-crashers are but the ushers and security personnel were not allowed to ask these folks to produce their ticket stubs, thus non-paying attendees couldn't be ejected.       Furthermore, what if Suns' ownership was expected to provide those who sneaked in with complimentary eats and drink? And what if, on those days when a gate-crasher became ill or injured, the Suns had to provide free medical care and shelter?" Arizona Gov. Jan Brewer

Catching Pigs

Not a joke, just thought provoking. CATCHING PIGS   THIS IS THOUGHT PROVOKING. There was a chemistry professor in a large college that had some exchange students in the class. One day while the class was in the lab, the professor noticed one young man, an exchange student, who kept rubbing his back and stretching as if his back hurt. The professor asked the young man what was the matter. The student told him he had a bullet lodged in his back. He had been shot while fighting communists in his native country who were trying to overthrow his country's government and install a new communist regime. In the midst of his story, he looked at the professor and asked a strange question. He asked: "Do you know how to catch wild pigs?" The professor thought it was a joke and asked for the punch line. The young man said that it was no joke. "You catch wild pigs by finding a suitable place in the woods and putting corn on the ground. The pigs find it and begin to come every day to eat the free corn. "When they are used to coming every day, you put a fence down one side of the place where they are used to coming. When they get used to the fence, they begin to eat the corn again and you put up another side of the fence. "They get used to that and start to eat again. You continue until you have all four sides of the fence up with a gate in the last side. "The pigs, which are used to the free corn, start to come through the gate to eat that free corn again. You then slam the gate on them and catch the whole herd. Suddenly the wild pigs have lost their freedom. They run around and around inside the fence, but they are caught. Soon they go back to eating the free corn. They are so used to it that they have forgotten how to forage in the woods for themselves, so they accept their captivity." The young man then told the professor that is exactly what he sees happening in America . The government keeps pushing us toward Communism/Socialism and keeps spreading the free corn out in the form of programs such as supplemental income, tax credit for unearned income, tax exemptions, tobacco subsidies, dairy subsidies, payments not to plant crops (CRP), welfare, medicine, drugs, etc. while we continually lose our freedoms, just a little at a time. One should always remember two truths: There is no such thing as a free lunch, and you can never hire someone to provide a service for you cheaper than you can do it yourself. If you see that all of this wonderful government "help" is a problem confronting the future of democracy in America , you might want to send this on to your friends. If you think the free ride is essential to your way of life, then you will probably delete this email. But, God help us all when the gate slams shut! Quote for today: "The problems we face today are there because the people who work for a living are now outnumbered by those who vote for a living." -- Anonymous

Some definitions you may not have thought about...

                       ADULT:
 A person who has stopped growing at both ends
 and is now growing in the middle.

BEAUTY PARLOR:
 A place where women curl up and dye.

CHICKENS:
 The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

COMMITTEE:
 A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

DUST:
 Mud with the juice squeezed out.

EGOTIST:
 Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

HANDKERCHIEF:
 Cold Storage.

INFLATION:
 Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
 
MOSQUITO:
 An insect that makes you like flies better.

RAISIN:
 A grape with a sunburn.

SECRET:
 Something you tell to one person at a time.

SKELETON:
 A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.

TOOTHACHE:
The pain that drives you to extraction.

TOMORROW:
 One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.

YAWN:
 An honest opinion openly expressed.

 
 And MY Personal Favourite!
WRINKLES:
 Something other people have,

Similar to my character lines.
 
 
 
 
 

HEAVEN AND HELL

 

While walking down the street one day a Corrupt Senator (that may be redundant) was tragically hit by a car and died.   His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance. "Welcome  to heaven," says St.. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you." "No problem, just let me in," says the Senator.   "Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from the higher ups. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity." "Really?, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the Senator. "I'm sorry, but we have our rules." And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In  the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him. Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They played a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and the finest champagne. Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who is having a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are all having such a good time that before the Senator realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises. The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens in heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him, "Now it's time to visit   heaven..." So, 24 hours passed with the Senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing.  They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours                have gone by and St. Peter returns. "Well then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity." The Senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful   but I think I would be better off in hell." So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell... Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.   He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls to the ground. The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulders.   "I don't understand," stammers the Senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster    and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time.  Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?" The devil smiles at him and says, "Yesterday  we were campaigning, Today, you voted.." Vote wisely on November 2, 2012

 

Political Jokes & Quotes

 

The problem with political jokes is they get elected.  ~Henry Cate, VII

 

 

We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office.  ~Aesop

 

 

If we got one-tenth of what was promised to us in these acceptance speeches there wouldn't be any inducement to go to heaven.  ~Will Rogers

 

 

Those who are too smart to engage in politics are punished by being governed by those who are dumber.  ~Plato

 

 

Politicians are the same all over.  They promise to build a bridge even where there is no river.  ~Nikita Khrushchev

 

 

When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President; I'm beginning to believe it. ~Clarence Darrow

 

 

Why pay money to have your family tree traced; go into politics and your opponents will do it for you.  ~Author Unknown

 

 

If God wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates.  ~Jay Leno

 

 

Politicians are people who, when they see light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy some more tunnel.  ~John Quinton

 

 

Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign funds from the rich, by promising to protect each from the other.  ~Oscar Ameringer

 

 

I offer my opponents a bargain:  if they will stop telling lies about us, I will stop telling the truth about them.  ~Adlai Stevenson, campaign speech, 1952

 

 

A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his country.  ~ Texas Guinan

 

 

Any American who is prepared to run for president should automatically, by definition, be disqualified from ever doing so.  ~Gore Vidal

 

 

I have come to the conclusion that politics is too serious a matter to be left to the politicians.  ~Charles de Gaulle

 

 

Politics is supposed to be the second-oldest profession.  I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.  ~Ronald Reagan

 

 

Politics:  [Poly "many" + tics "blood-sucking parasites"]  ~Larry Hardiman

 

 

Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks.  ~Doug Larson

 

 

Don't vote, it only encourages them.  ~Author Unknown

 

 

There ought to be one day -- just one -- when there is open season on senators.  ~Will Rogers