Some definitions you may not have thought about...

                       ADULT:
 A person who has stopped growing at both ends
 and is now growing in the middle.

BEAUTY PARLOR:
 A place where women curl up and dye.

CHICKENS:
 The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

COMMITTEE:
 A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

DUST:
 Mud with the juice squeezed out.

EGOTIST:
 Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

HANDKERCHIEF:
 Cold Storage.

INFLATION:
 Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
 
MOSQUITO:
 An insect that makes you like flies better.

RAISIN:
 A grape with a sunburn.

SECRET:
 Something you tell to one person at a time.

SKELETON:
 A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.

TOOTHACHE:
The pain that drives you to extraction.

TOMORROW:
 One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.

YAWN:
 An honest opinion openly expressed.

 
 And MY Personal Favourite!
WRINKLES:
 Something other people have,

Similar to my character lines.
 
 
 
 
 

HEAVEN AND HELL

 

While walking down the street one day a Corrupt Senator (that may be redundant) was tragically hit by a car and died.   His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance. "Welcome  to heaven," says St.. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you." "No problem, just let me in," says the Senator.   "Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from the higher ups. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity." "Really?, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the Senator. "I'm sorry, but we have our rules." And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In  the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him. Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They played a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and the finest champagne. Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who is having a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are all having such a good time that before the Senator realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises. The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens in heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him, "Now it's time to visit   heaven..." So, 24 hours passed with the Senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing.  They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours                have gone by and St. Peter returns. "Well then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity." The Senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful   but I think I would be better off in hell." So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell... Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.   He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls to the ground. The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulders.   "I don't understand," stammers the Senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster    and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time.  Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?" The devil smiles at him and says, "Yesterday  we were campaigning, Today, you voted.." Vote wisely on November 2, 2012

 

Political Jokes & Quotes

 

The problem with political jokes is they get elected.  ~Henry Cate, VII

 

 

We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office.  ~Aesop

 

 

If we got one-tenth of what was promised to us in these acceptance speeches there wouldn't be any inducement to go to heaven.  ~Will Rogers

 

 

Those who are too smart to engage in politics are punished by being governed by those who are dumber.  ~Plato

 

 

Politicians are the same all over.  They promise to build a bridge even where there is no river.  ~Nikita Khrushchev

 

 

When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President; I'm beginning to believe it. ~Clarence Darrow

 

 

Why pay money to have your family tree traced; go into politics and your opponents will do it for you.  ~Author Unknown

 

 

If God wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates.  ~Jay Leno

 

 

Politicians are people who, when they see light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy some more tunnel.  ~John Quinton

 

 

Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign funds from the rich, by promising to protect each from the other.  ~Oscar Ameringer

 

 

I offer my opponents a bargain:  if they will stop telling lies about us, I will stop telling the truth about them.  ~Adlai Stevenson, campaign speech, 1952

 

 

A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his country.  ~ Texas Guinan

 

 

Any American who is prepared to run for president should automatically, by definition, be disqualified from ever doing so.  ~Gore Vidal

 

 

I have come to the conclusion that politics is too serious a matter to be left to the politicians.  ~Charles de Gaulle

 

 

Politics is supposed to be the second-oldest profession.  I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.  ~Ronald Reagan

 

 

Politics:  [Poly "many" + tics "blood-sucking parasites"]  ~Larry Hardiman

 

 

Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks.  ~Doug Larson

 

 

Don't vote, it only encourages them.  ~Author Unknown

 

 

There ought to be one day -- just one -- when there is open season on senators.  ~Will Rogers